December 22nd, 2010

Happy Anniversary to me! Just about a year ago was the last time I logged into here and checked my moderation queue!


(mostly from Russia)

Thanks so much for enjoying my words. And for helping me lengthen my penis. As always, I lengthen my penis for you. My fans.

I can only hope that by thanking you for my penis lengthening, you send me more valuable penis lengthening information. I’ll also take thickening!

Wherein I Ask For Your Assistance Towards Greatishness

November 13th, 2009

Hello. How are you? How’s the job/family/unemployment line/pimp?

Sit down! Would you like anything? Fresca/glass of milk/blood transfusion/hand job?

You’re looking well, you know that? Been working out? No? Could have surprised me. You must have to beat the men/women/stray dogs/mail-order-appendages off with a stick! Ha ha ha ha. Yeah.

So, why did I call you in here today? Well, I have a problem.. a problem that you, and only you, can help me with. You see, I’m working on writing, but things have gotten stale. I need some fun. I need some verve. I need what only you can give me. No, besides that. Yeah, that was fun. Ha ha. Memories.

I thought we’d play a little game to help me with this problem o’ mine. No, not like that game. Man, we had some good times in the old days, didn’t we? That’s what our rap sheets say at least!

Annnnyway, yeah. So, what I’m looking for are some ideas from YOU of what I might want to write about. Like a premise, or a character, or a concept. Maybe a title. Something! I’ll go through the responses I get and pick one and see what I can do with it, then put it up here for the spam bots to peruse (so yeah, ideas about Cialis and russian brides are a plus!).

I can’t promise how long it will take to get stuff written, but part of this experiment is me attempting to write without over thinking the process and taking forever. My goal would be to try to get something, anything, up every couple days or so. Might be funny, might be an essay, might be fiction, maybe a haiku! We’ll see how it goes. Hopefully it won’t be a disappointment.

Yeah, like that time in the mountains. Look, why do you have to keep bringing that up? You got what you asked for… don’t blame me for your mumbling. Especially not when you choose to wear that outfit yourself. Oh I can’t stay mad at you for long. Butterfly kisses!

I’m glad you were able to stop by. I really am! Please, think about my proposition and leave me some thoughts in the comments section. I eagerly await your brilliant/common/plagiarized ideas. And if you don’t have any ideas, hey.. that’s fine. Disappointing, but fine. I’ll still try to get stuff up regularly. They’ll just be stained by my tears over your thoughtlessness.

Be safe and have a great time tonight at the bar/playing with the kids/sharing a single bean between your hobo friends/selling yourself for bus fare! XOXO!!!

Common Sayings Which Did Not Stand The Test Of Time

November 12th, 2009
(Note: yet another lame draft of something I decided to just put out there so it doesn’t stare at me longingly like a forgotten waif that was the result of a  mistaken relationship betwixt myself and the town pastor.  I know most, if not all, of it is crap, but I have to give it its due before I launch myself into superstardom.  Plus from what I understand of the Internet, many people enjoy crap!  Shit, I’m numbah one!  Enjoyish!)
  • Closer? I hardly even was introduced to her in the parlor after a long series of impersonal letters and closed-door negotiation sessions between third parties!
  • Scalp me once, shame on you.  Scalp me twice, holy shit you cocksucker.
  • Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. Fire ugh ugh. Rock.
  • As hardy as a flock of Dodos.
  • Muskets don’t kill people. Smallpox does.  If you’re an Indian and you like blankets.  Suckers.
  • A witch in the river’s worth two on the cart.
  • I like Pike! (sponsored by the Pike Advisory Board)

25 Things I Really Want You To Know About Me… Randomly Organized For Your and Her Pleasure

November 12th, 2009
(Note: I started writing this like eleven months ago.  Then I stopped.  I decided to just put it out there because I know people have been craving to know about me and my fabulous history.  Maybe I’ll do more of it at some point if you all are good boys and girls.  Or boy and girl.  Or, more realistically, spam bots)

So, the Internet is ablaze.  Ablaze with 25 things about themselves! Random things!!

Who am I to ignore this outpouring of spontaneous confessions?  Why, my entire life is made up of memes.  Indeed, ever since the famous “Elephant Shit In A Mailbox” meme I started in Des Moines, IA (50301, REPRESENT YO KORN DAWGS!!!), I’ve followed one meme after another.  Indeed, I have never had an original thought. So, let’s begin with the rules. Where’s the beef???

Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a post with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose five more people to be tagged. You also have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you. To do this, you simply link to their blogs so that they know you responded to their tag.

1) I was born in Silver Spring, Maryland in 1973.  Interestingly, at the very instant I was born, I cried.  Wailed, one might say.  You see, I was quite the excitable wee bairn, what with being expunged from my mother’s womb with the force of the HMS Invincible’s combined fusillade, my unstoppable mass creating the “Great Maternity Ward Arch And Ball Crawl Fun Center” of Holy Cross Hospital.  Please note, this is based on the heroic late-18th century Invincible, not the whore-built 19th century one. Not that someone would brag of THAT!

2) While most people have five fingers on one hand, and five on the other, in my case the opposite is true.  Even more oddly, my toes are the same as any normal person!!!  That’s incredible!

3) Speaking of That’s Incredible, remember that show Real People which was on at the same time?  Well, I had the biggest schoolgirl crush on Skip Stephenson.   So at the age of 8, I wrote him an adorable love letter.  We were married, then divorced, two years later.  I got to keep the sweaters, which I threw in a time capsule for future generations to enjoy. However, no one has, nor will ever, enjoy them.

4)  I suffer from absolutely terrible stage-fright.  As a result, under no circumstances will I ever live in the Old West.

5)  I once stowed away on the Space Shuttle Atlantis.  I had a friend named Max.  We have been friends forever.  Our story was made into a critically acclaimed movie.  You’re welcome, Joaquin.  You’re welcome.

6)  I’ve never found Waldo.  If you find him, please let me know I’m looking for him, and that when I find him, there is gonna be a reckoning.  A reckoning of alimony!

7) Wine gives me Hives.  They just completed their world tour and are back in the studio, waiting until the next time I come home depressed and lonely.  Tickets on sale next week!!

8)  My tears have been known to give sight to the blind, my blood can cure cancer, and my saliva will beat even the toughest stains!  As a result, the three fluids have gone for varying amounts on the black market.  The highest I ever got for one of them was five blue-eyed babies.  The lowest was Chris Kattan’s future career prospects.  I’m still holding on to those.

9) I have an ongoing feud with Sandy Duncan.  It would take forever for me to get into the nitty gritty of what transpired between her and I, but let’s just say that she can stuff her hoity toity Wheat Thins up her oh-so-pristine ass.  Yeah, Sandy… you know where to find me.  Bitch.

10) I never correctly learned how to count to 25.

Twitter is…

February 16th, 2009

In honor of this fabulously insightful tweet, I felt it was of utmost importance to list what other things “Twitter is… ”   I have no doubt that after this post reaches the stratospheric heights of popularity it deserves, I will become the world’s largest Hummel figurine.

  • Twitter is like pot roast for vegetarians.
  • Twitter is like cell phone for deaf people.
  • Twitter is like dividing by zero for your pet’s food bowl.
  • Twitter is like plaid stockings on a solar access panel.
  • Twitter is like yielding for children at the circus.  Then eating them.
  • Twitter is like shooting your mouth off in a marathon.
  • Twitter is like bubble gum for the fifth dentist.
  • Twitter is like Aqua-Net for lions.
  • Twitter is like meat cushions for your Lay-Z-Boy.
  • Twitter is like one strained simile after another.  None of which actually apply.