Posts Tagged ‘late late late’

Common Sayings Which Did Not Stand The Test Of Time

Thursday, November 12th, 2009
(Note: yet another lame draft of something I decided to just put out there so it doesn’t stare at me longingly like a forgotten waif that was the result of a  mistaken relationship betwixt myself and the town pastor.  I know most, if not all, of it is crap, but I have to give it its due before I launch myself into superstardom.  Plus from what I understand of the Internet, many people enjoy crap!  Shit, I’m numbah one!  Enjoyish!)
  • Closer? I hardly even was introduced to her in the parlor after a long series of impersonal letters and closed-door negotiation sessions between third parties!
  • Scalp me once, shame on you.  Scalp me twice, holy shit you cocksucker.
  • Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. Fire ugh ugh. Rock.
  • As hardy as a flock of Dodos.
  • Muskets don’t kill people. Smallpox does.  If you’re an Indian and you like blankets.  Suckers.
  • A witch in the river’s worth two on the cart.
  • I like Pike! (sponsored by the Pike Advisory Board)

25 Things I Really Want You To Know About Me… Randomly Organized For Your and Her Pleasure

Thursday, November 12th, 2009
(Note: I started writing this like eleven months ago.  Then I stopped.  I decided to just put it out there because I know people have been craving to know about me and my fabulous history.  Maybe I’ll do more of it at some point if you all are good boys and girls.  Or boy and girl.  Or, more realistically, spam bots)

So, the Internet is ablaze.  Ablaze with 25 things about themselves! Random things!!

Who am I to ignore this outpouring of spontaneous confessions?  Why, my entire life is made up of memes.  Indeed, ever since the famous “Elephant Shit In A Mailbox” meme I started in Des Moines, IA (50301, REPRESENT YO KORN DAWGS!!!), I’ve followed one meme after another.  Indeed, I have never had an original thought. So, let’s begin with the rules. Where’s the beef???

Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a post with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose five more people to be tagged. You also have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you. To do this, you simply link to their blogs so that they know you responded to their tag.

1) I was born in Silver Spring, Maryland in 1973.  Interestingly, at the very instant I was born, I cried.  Wailed, one might say.  You see, I was quite the excitable wee bairn, what with being expunged from my mother’s womb with the force of the HMS Invincible’s combined fusillade, my unstoppable mass creating the “Great Maternity Ward Arch And Ball Crawl Fun Center” of Holy Cross Hospital.  Please note, this is based on the heroic late-18th century Invincible, not the whore-built 19th century one. Not that someone would brag of THAT!

2) While most people have five fingers on one hand, and five on the other, in my case the opposite is true.  Even more oddly, my toes are the same as any normal person!!!  That’s incredible!

3) Speaking of That’s Incredible, remember that show Real People which was on at the same time?  Well, I had the biggest schoolgirl crush on Skip Stephenson.   So at the age of 8, I wrote him an adorable love letter.  We were married, then divorced, two years later.  I got to keep the sweaters, which I threw in a time capsule for future generations to enjoy. However, no one has, nor will ever, enjoy them.

4)  I suffer from absolutely terrible stage-fright.  As a result, under no circumstances will I ever live in the Old West.

5)  I once stowed away on the Space Shuttle Atlantis.  I had a friend named Max.  We have been friends forever.  Our story was made into a critically acclaimed movie.  You’re welcome, Joaquin.  You’re welcome.

6)  I’ve never found Waldo.  If you find him, please let me know I’m looking for him, and that when I find him, there is gonna be a reckoning.  A reckoning of alimony!

7) Wine gives me Hives.  They just completed their world tour and are back in the studio, waiting until the next time I come home depressed and lonely.  Tickets on sale next week!!

8)  My tears have been known to give sight to the blind, my blood can cure cancer, and my saliva will beat even the toughest stains!  As a result, the three fluids have gone for varying amounts on the black market.  The highest I ever got for one of them was five blue-eyed babies.  The lowest was Chris Kattan’s future career prospects.  I’m still holding on to those.

9) I have an ongoing feud with Sandy Duncan.  It would take forever for me to get into the nitty gritty of what transpired between her and I, but let’s just say that she can stuff her hoity toity Wheat Thins up her oh-so-pristine ass.  Yeah, Sandy… you know where to find me.  Bitch.

10) I never correctly learned how to count to 25.